he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
