Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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