first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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