She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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