Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
