You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
