How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
