That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
