Just invented taco cereal.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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