so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
