Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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