i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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