Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
