i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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