I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
