She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
