If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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