I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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