this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
