who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
