all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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