turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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