Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's official drugs can't kill me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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