Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
