Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
