Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
