sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
