she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
