Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize