So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
