my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
