ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize