There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
