I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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