are you still at the devil's house?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
