i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
