Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
