the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
