That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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