I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
