Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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