It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
