They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
