Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
