Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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