Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
