if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
