i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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