She went from zero to smokin in five shots
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
