there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
