i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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