if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
