my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
