If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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