I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
