New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
