cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
