he puts the penis in happiness.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
