Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
