i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
