So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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