Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We are two peas in an std pod
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
