i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
