You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
