his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
