Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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