i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
