Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
