my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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