I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
