chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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