Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
