If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
