I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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