Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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