rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
