mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize