so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize