I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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